Reflections on a Maundy Thursday

"If you are bored with life, if you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things - you don't have enough goals."
- Lou Holtz -

This line struck me because this is what really describes my restlessness for the past months. Imagine that, it's been months... However, this only refers to how i feel to my work as of the moment. Could this be a sign that i should look for another opportunity in another environment or shift career? Maybe. Or could it be that i just don't have enough goals which is in line for my profession? Or could it be that my employer isn't giving us enough room for growth and relaxation needed? It depends i guess..

My maundy thursday of the holy week was spent in trying to encounter my inner self and look for what i really desire. And i have come across with Bo Sanchez book on "How to Conquer Your Goliaths" which gave a link to an eBook on "How to Know if your Dreams are God's Dreams". It gave just what i needed to look closer to what i really wanted which might also lead me to my life's purpose. (You should check it out at I was saddened by the realization that i was so engrossed in doing what was expected of me in the workplace that i lost sight of who i really am.

Last summer, i was able to identify some of my strengths, weaknesses and the top values in my life. When the school year began, i was so eager to triumph over my weaknesses which lead me to my depression. I learned from the book i read that we are supposed to perfect what we are and not dwell over our weaknesses. However, i have this gut feeling that in my workplace, weakness is a nuisance, you should shine brightly wherever you are assigned and whatever is asked of you and do more of what is asked. I was one of the unfortunate few who were given tasks where i am most lousy at.

I was sucked deep in the competition of being good and i failed to remind myself what really matters to me. With that, i thought, how many people in this world had been in my situation and never woke up from the nightmare? And how many people, have triumphed over their weakness and found satisfaction only to lose themselves? I can't believe that I have wasted months of trying to please my superiors and forgot to get in touch with myself.

There are times that i do feel good in being able to deliver a good work but the happiness is so shallow that i ask myself, "am i still sane?". There were also times that i ask myself, "what are you doing in thee middle of all this? You are not even compensated well." And the worst times i had was when i realized i am just a mere puppet of my superiors, blindly following their orders even if against my values because i want to give them a good impression, killing my impulses of getting what i want. For months, i can't believe i lived through it.

What shall i do now? Taking action takes a lot of courage. I still have a few days left to get in touch with inner self. For now, it is enough that i have shed tears over my wasted time and that i was able to get back on track. It is time to move on and focus on what i do best. Taking a radical course in my journey...

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